"The voice inside my head...."

One of my favorite movie quotes comes from Two Weeks Notice.
In it there is a scene where Sandra Bullock
is explaining to rich playboy Hugh Grant
why she thinks like she thinks and
behaves like she behaves.

Gazing into the distance she recounts her mothers drive
and passion.
She then poetically sums up their relationship
stating...
"So she is forever the voice inside my head..."

I can see that.
I went to Mom's grave last night.
It was the first time I have been able to go in a while.
Finally, it was not so gut wrenching...
Finally, there was peace.

Sitting there in the dark,
(being eaten alive by the mosquitoes).
It did not seem so very wrong and unfair.
I did not feel so cheated.

For so long
I have mourned for her.
I have wanted to hug her one more time.
Say I love you one more time.
Apologize one more time,
that we could never seem to get it quite right...
till the end...
but I couldn't...
She was entombed.
It was final.

I often go to the cemetery at night.
Which is ironic.
I was the scariest, most timid child you could ever have imagined meeting.
I think I brought my "night light" to our marriage bedroom...
Now that had to be romantic...

My mother was not scared or timid;
she was brave.
She was passionate, beautiful, smart,
and complicated.
She was a force of nature.
I loved her, admired her, feared her.
We were so different
and yet,
so alike.

I was always so afraid of the things that go bump in the night.
That's what I get for watching Dark Shadows everyday,
after school with my bowl of ice cream in the den,

maybe two feet away from the television.

Saturday mornings was Shock Theater right before American Bandstand.
Remember all those giant mutated spiders, ants, martians,
zombies, werewolves...
You know you do; you watched it too.

Any way,
last night the air was still.
All was quiet.
The stars were shining,
The mosquitoes buzzing.
And a huge harvest moon was rising.
No zombies or vampires,
and the ghosts and I had negotiated a truce...

So, there I was,
resting in tranquility.
Not feeling as if I wanted to claw through the ground
to get to her
to fix every imperfect thing in our relationship
and make her whole again.
No,
there was just a sense of calm acceptance.

Life is what it is....
As imperfect, flawed, beautiful, complicated,
fulfilling, frustrating, joyful,
amazing...
It is what it is...
and we must come to terms with that,
embrace it,
accept it,
and move on.

But,
"She will forever be the voice inside my head..."
and that's OK....
I love you Mom.