Saturday, August 8, 2009

"The voice inside my head...."

One of my favorite movie quotes comes from Two Weeks Notice.
In it there is a scene where Sandra Bullock
is explaining to rich playboy Hugh Grant
why she thinks like she thinks and
behaves like she behaves.

Gazing into the distance she recounts her mothers drive
and passion.
She then poetically sums up their relationship
"So she is forever the voice inside my head..."

I can see that.
I went to Mom's grave last night.
It was the first time I have been able to go in a while.
Finally, it was not so gut wrenching...
Finally, there was peace.

Sitting there in the dark,
(being eaten alive by the mosquitoes).
It did not seem so very wrong and unfair.
I did not feel so cheated.

For so long
I have mourned for her.
I have wanted to hug her one more time.
Say I love you one more time.
Apologize one more time,
that we could never seem to get it quite right...
till the end...
but I couldn't...
She was entombed.
It was final.

I often go to the cemetery at night.
Which is ironic.
I was the scariest, most timid child you could ever have imagined meeting.
I think I brought my "night light" to our marriage bedroom...
Now that had to be romantic...

My mother was not scared or timid;
she was brave.
She was passionate, beautiful, smart,
and complicated.
She was a force of nature.
I loved her, admired her, feared her.
We were so different
and yet,
so alike.

I was always so afraid of the things that go bump in the night.
That's what I get for watching Dark Shadows everyday,
after school with my bowl of ice cream in the den,
maybe two feet away from the television.
Saturday mornings was Shock Theater right before American Bandstand.
Remember all those giant mutated spiders, ants, martians,
zombies, werewolves...
You know you do; you watched it too.

Any way,
last night the air was still.
All was quiet.
The stars were shining,
The mosquitoes buzzing.
And a huge harvest moon was rising.
No zombies or vampires,
and the ghosts and I had negotiated a truce...

So, there I was,
resting in tranquility.
Not feeling as if I wanted to claw through the ground
to get to her
to fix every imperfect thing in our relationship
and make her whole again.
there was just a sense of calm acceptance.

Life is what it is....
As imperfect, flawed, beautiful, complicated,
fulfilling, frustrating, joyful,
It is what it is...
and we must come to terms with that,
embrace it,
accept it,
and move on.

"She will forever be the voice inside my head..."
and that's OK....
I love you Mom.


  1. We grew up watching the same after school shows! I too was a fearful child and into early adulthood. What a sweet reminder to embrace life, now, not waiting for perfection. I'm so thankful for the peace that comes with that and glad you've found it too.

  2. Just beautiful. I lost my mother 5 1/2 years ago. She is also the voice inside my head. Great post!

  3. Deanna, that was very well put. I am glad to hear about your sense of peace that "it is what it is".
    That is a lovely gift we can only give ourselves!

  4. Wonderfully said and thought provoking. Hope you've reached an inner peace Southern.

    My kids watched Dark Shadows too!

  5. So thoughtful and poignant...WOW..You made me well up.

  6. This is such a beautiful, full-of-truth post. It leaves me feeling humbled. Humbled just to read it. Humbled just to know you.

  7. I am speechless after reading your lovely post, but I can write.

    I too have lost my mother- 13 years ago- and it may as well have been last week. I don't say that to alarm you- just to emphasize how perfectly YOU put it all.

    Thank you,


  8. How are such a loving daughter!


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